For the first time in a long time I have an abundance of free time. Which is a mixed blessing at best. I'm accustom to a 40 plus hour work week. Which leaves little to no free time for family friends or any sort of social gathering. Granted I'm not too big on social gatherings cause I"m socially awkward to put it as nice as possible. Been kinda feeling disconnected from my "friends" I use the term loosely. Lately I feel like most people don't wanna associate with me anymore for whatever reason. I don't get responses when I text people to hang out or if I do it's short responses. Can't help but feel like some what unwanted. the foodswings fam, my girlfriend, Beau and dougy are at least there but every one else just seems to busy to be bothered. I'd much rather prefer to be told "Mike I can't stand to be around you. You're fucking annoying." or "Mike you're sketchy I don't wanna be around you" or even "Mike you're not straight edge anymore so we're not friends anymore" than be avoided or cool guyed.

So lately ...

I've become more of a recluse my roommate and my girlfriend are the only people who really see me unless you frequent the same areas as I do. It's kinda making me feel like I have no friends. The things I tend to do cause I can never get any one to hang out when I'm free and my gf is busy, 1. draw 2. get food by myself 3. ride around on my bike taking pics of graffiti. 4. gym 5. look at porn (working on a series of erotic paintings although I do masterbate frequently when I'm bored.) 6. People watch.

If I didn't have my girlfriend, My roommate John and my bike I probably would've totally lost it.

Here's my theory on why I don't feel like I have any friends. first off I've changed a lot over the past year or so my views on life are drastically different from those of a year ago. Second I work 6-7 days a week 12 hour days most of the time leaving me no time to hang out unless it's after midnight and I'm generally too fucking tired to do a damn thing. I really don't think any one I've considered a friend gives two shits about me not being straight edge any more.

it's my day off so I won't waste to much more time complaining or venting I'm gonna take my old lady to coney island cause she's never been down there.

So today has been an odd day I feel fucking weird. I don't feel like any one cares or listens a side from my girlfriend and John and with John it's like about 50% of the time I don't feel like I get my point a crossed cause he's so set in his ways. I feel like every one is just waiting to talk at me about whatever bullshit that's going on in their lives or they do semi listen and just wait to cut me down.

I miss my Dad a lot lately, It's been forever since I've had a chance to go upstate and see my parents. I just work so damn much and never have the chance to go back upstate or rarely do I have a day off.

The Graffiti entry

http://hit2kill.blogspot.com/
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if you have to ask .....

Most of you know I've been arrested for graffiti. I got off with little more than a hefty legal fee because my civil liberties were grossly violated and I'm not really shit in the graffiti world. It just blows my mind that people are forced to do hard time for graffiti. Two prime examples Hert and Revok, Hert's story via a site set up by friends of the artist a 23 year old kid sentence to 1-3 for FUCKING GRAFFITI!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY OF YOUR TAXES ARE BEING WASTED FEEDING AND HOUSING THIS KID!!!!! We're in a Depression and our country continues to piss away millions of dollars on this prosecuting graffiti artists. By all means if they should be punished make them paint over/remove the mess they made. But before I go off on a tagent, on to Revok this is an article that will bring you up to date on the situation Revok's story via the huffington post btw his bail before trial was set at the low low price of $320,000.00 cause he's on some celebrity graffiti status he gets off with 6 months again think of all the money wasted to prosecute these guys. Yet the serial killer who's running loose killing hookers on long island remains at large.... makes you think. Yeah I'm probably preaching to the choir but it's my opinion if you don't like it don't read my blog.


I fell asleep before i could finish where I was going with this

Death is certain

Being as I live an odd life, odd things happen. I found out today that this graf writer I met a few times passed away Sha Money. I was walking around the lower east side with my gf, saw ch put him up with hso thought it was odd. Then I was on the JMZ line headed home saw a Vizie tag on the platform also put up Sha Money up but this one had an R.I.P. under it. Well I shot a text to my friend Danny who introduced me to Sha and well he told me he passed kind of fucked up my whole day. It's a bummer nice guy taken before his time.

working out.

Started working out on a pretty much day to day basis, feel pretty good about it. slowly getting to where I want to be with my body. I'm a hard gainer so I literally have to be stuffing my face 24/7. I'm not trying to be Ronnie Coleman or anything. I'd just like to be a solid 160 in good shape. It was kinda scary at first I dropped down from 140 to 122 but I'm slowly gaining it all back in muscle I mean what little fat I had on my body is gone.

A.d.d.
Lately my A.d.d. has been acting up a lot more than normal. So to combat it I've taken to using a dry erase board to list all the stuff I need to do along with bills and drawing projects I've taken on. Also I have a calendar which I'm going to start writing important stuff on.

My phone I have next to no reception at my place so if you don't leave a voice mail I generally don't know you called. Also if you're calling me to get a hold of John I'm not going to return your call cause I'm not John's fucking secretary If he doesn't respond to your calls txts e-mails and such take a fucking hint.

explaining a feeling.

This morning I looked in the mirror, I mean I really took a good look at myself, my face and I didn't recognize this tired young man who was pale and had bags under his eyes which lead me to believe he had not slept a wink in a very long time. As I started my day I gave a lot of thought to how I came to look this way or be the way I am. How did I get here? How am I this apathetic about ideals I'd fight tooth and nail for years ago. I understand people change and definitely change in leaps and bounds in your teens to mid-twenties but I'm still at a loss for where I'm at with who I am right now. I don't call my self straight edge because I don't feel it fits. I just don't feel I need that label and that association with a group of people who I don't see eye to eye with. I could go off on tangent about this but I'll spare you. I felt like I was going some where with this yet I feel like I lost the feeling like something epic is just at the tip of my tongue and I'll finally be able to explain myself. So that people will understand me. I've come to realize it just is what is. No one person is going to completely understand me because no one person has shared the experiences that I have had in my life to date.



As friends rust- We on some next level shit

What we've got is an amalgam of spent ideals,
an incomprehensible mismatch of spent ideals.
Self-congratulatory edicts spit from gold-plated mouths,
that will never understand what it means to miss a meal.
Don't tell me what I need until you've needed anything.
Private-school anarchists with bought trains of thought,
donned in T-shirts screaming slogans of wars never fought.
And I'm supposed to hide my change?
For who and for what?
To appease the piss-ants pretending their haves are have-nots?
I know what you came out here for

this is kinda how I feel

cut off my long hair

Me and John cut my hair today no more hair helmet. Basically went like I'm gonna cut my own hair, John you sure about that ? me eh fuck it, If it's real bad I'll just shave my head again. here are some before and after pics

Kinda worried about my family I think they're starting to feel the effects of living in the rust belt. My dad for those of you who lurk my blog and don't know me here's the background on big Ed. My dad has worked for the syracuse city school distract for about 8 years or so and sustained a back injury and has had numerous surgeries and goes to physically therapy once a week to get the old man back on track. Big Ed is a workaholic much like myself the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. So he's been outta work for about a year now and is being forced into early retirement and is pretty much being fucked he's outta paided leave, and workmen's comp. It just sucks that he's in this spot and there's nothing I can do. The old man only knows about hard labor what the hell is he gonna do at his age. work in a fucking movie theatre. Not to mention Him and my mom are on the rocks so I don't know if I can count on her to support him. too much to fucking think about. Gotta start putting money aside and sending it home.

Also a good portion of my friends are assholes two in particular this week giving me ulcers I know it's karma for all the time I've stressed people out over some nonsense while they had enough on their plate but fuck....

One more thing If John doesn't pick up his phone it's cause it's all smashed to bits and we have shit reception in our apt, shoot him a facebook message I'm not his fucking secretary.


Sleepless in brooklyn yet again this is my list of bitching pissing and moaning for the week thank you and have a good sunday morning.

Had a day off today

Spent almost the entire day today doing stuff by myself. I feel distant from every one and I don't wanna feel that way. Woke up around two watched my girlfriend get ready for work, she's doing make up for some project one of her actor friends is doing. She left I got up got dress went to brunch at Boneshakers. Dougie and Megs where there I joined them got food we talked for a bit then I headed home to drop off my bike so I could head into the city. I walked around manhattan by my lonesome for a couple of hours stop by daredevil talked to Brad and Scott for a min. I made mention that I was going to the movies alone Brad made a smart ass remark that he was worried about me because I was going to the movies alone. Kinda wanted to tell him you should be but I kinda sought out the whole loner thing. I kept saying "I wanna be left the fuck alone" in hopes of staying out of other people's drama. After everything happened with my ex just kinda left me a little bitter on everyone and everything just made me see no one really has my back and every one is full of shit. I feel lost more than ever. I'm pretty disconnected with everything. I dropped the title straight edge it just doesn't fit me any more not that I wanna drink or do drugs just for now it's a not fit. I don't feel ok at show's any more. I just show up see the band I wanna and don't really wanna talk to any one. I keep having this fucked up dreams involving one person tried talking to John about it he said "you can't fight fate man" god I hope that's not true. I hoped at this point in my life I'd have it together. Debating bailing and going to the westcoast.

caught up in no sleep.

I've come to realize that I hate about 70% of the people in every subculture I'm involved with. Bike kids, hardcore kids, the tattoo scene, graffiti and hip hop, maybe it's something that goes beyond things I'm into, maybe just a huge portion of the world's population just sucks. Another realization is that I don't know a whole lot about anything and that if you think you know a lot about something you're generally dead wrong. My girlfriend pointed out I'm not a pessimist, that in fact I'm an optimist. I expect things to work out and when they don't I get upset or I expect the best out of people and they turn out to be shitty and I'm crushed. Interesting take on me kinda weird considering I've always been considered a jaded grump for the most part. I just want to do right by my friends and family. Is that so much to ask I really don't need a whole lot in life. I'm starting to feel like kindness is weakness. Being a scumbag just doesn't feel right to me. a couple months back I was slutting it up and fucked around with a girl who had a boyfriend. I felt really shitty after that one probably would've apologized to kid if he wasn't such a twat. after all that it just left me feeling hollow. I don't wanna talk to people so much these days except my roommate John and a few people.

Woar

first off i've been having this really really bad head aches that come and go and are super pain full that feel like a brain freeze that comes and goes.

second I just realized what a huge impact my friend Matt Wright has had on me through out the years even though I haven't been close with him in the past few years. I was just looking through his face book page and some of the pictures he's making a lot of the same silly face i tend to make in pictures. It just made me realize a side from my art and graffiti, how big of an impact he's had on my life.

CHANGE

I don't like being social it complicates my life but I do like attention which fuels my need to be social. guess it's sort of a catch 22. lately I've been trying to let go of the old me and live life a little differently. it's hard, just living focused on nonsense for so long it just makes it hard to change but given the proper amount of time and energy i'll get where I wanna be. It's hard to hear most people carry on about nonsense that really doesn't matter I definitely do it still a lot but I realize a lot of it is nonsense and I think I'm trying to change it.
TIME FOR CHANGE

New apt

So I worked it out I have a new apt. I have my own bathroom and I'm pretty amped on my living situation right now. You know how moving goes it never seems to end but once you're finished it's like ah yes.

Things have been going good with me and gf pretty happy right now.

as i struggle to make sense of this mess

I find my self at a loss once again. I'm at odds with my girlfriend, I just got fucked over by some one I considered to be a close friend and I still don't have apt for the first. Where to begin this time?

The girlfriend,
She throws around things "I don't think you like me" "gee if I do this much stuff that annoys you when I sleep and all we do is sleep together why do you wanna spend time with me?" This stuff hurts me a lot I spend all my free time with her the little that I have. I tell her she's cute and try and reassure her that I really do like her and that she means a lot to me for some one who's been in my life for such a short period of time. Yet I don't think it's enough. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. She tells me I'm kind of a prick some times which for those of you who know me know I'm a bit rough around the edges so this is most likely true. I just don't get it I try to just be a sweet caring boyfriend but I some how every time let my anger and negativity poison it. Last night She said something along the lines of why do hang out with me when the way we sleep next to each other just annoys you so I lost it I yell what the hell is wrong with you I hate hearing this shit it hurts me, we rolled away laid on our sides I thought she was crying cause I heard her sniffle I was wrong but it made me just tell her in a calm manner that she means a lot to me and I really do like her a lot. she said nothing and this morning she left with out saying goodbye it hurt me.

The ever more chaotic apt situation.
So I'm suppose to move in with two friends we recently lost an apt in bushwick due to a fuck up in paper work and some one offering more money for the same apt. well one of the two people txts me this morning to tell me he's out he found a room in greenpoint he's gonna take it. which fucks me over and makes my life more difficult. I hear the same shit I'm not trying to fuck you over blah blah blah. WELL YOU ARE FUCKING ME OVER THANKS ASSHOLE! The next two days of appointments to look at three bedrooms are fucked and I'm gonna probably gonna pay a lot more which I can't afford to do. All because of hear say that I was just gonna stay at my current apt. THANKS TO THE ASSHOLE WHO STARTED THIS RUMOR. I mean I could be a total fucking deuche and stay put and fuck over my other friend. What I feel being a good friend is, is doing the right thing no matter what discomfort it causes to you. I try and live this way and I just get fucked over maybe I'll learn my lesson every one is gonna fuck you over no matter how good of a person you try to be. FUCK THAT.

It's a new year yet the choas continues.

Where to start, where to start I think I'll start with my relationship status. I officially have a girlfriend. Just when I thought I'd be single for the rest of my days. I met some one randomly and quite unexpectedly. We'll see how it goes she's already given our relationship a shelf life of two months.

Next I'm moving out of my apt after 2 years of being in this one place I've officially had enough of it. I'm moving out looking for apt with my friends Sean, Jon and Alex. Looking forward to something new. My current roommates they're kinda working my nerves a little bit. I honestly don't think it's anything to do with them I think it's just me being there for so long I'm starting to knit pick everything.

The holidays kinda sucked for me. Had to go to my god mother's funeral. My mom kinda flipped out on me about my neck being tattooed. found out my parents are probably getting a divorce. The only highlight of going upstate was seeing my cousin's daughter Zooie