Writting it out always makes me feel a little better

So my God mother passed away as many of you know from earlier posts she was battling cancer. She was suffering from what my mom told me and now it's over. I'm kinda numb to the whole situation. I mean when I was younger I had a lot of interaction with Karen and her kids. Her and my mom drifted apart and there wasn't a whole interaction with her in recent years. I'm upset I didn't get to say goodbye, I was really fucking upset when I found out she was terminally ill and I asked my mom to make sure that I could see her before she passed away. Well since I am in and out of Syracuse when I'm there. I guess there wasn't time. I guess it's another missed chance one that I'll never have again. I honestly don't know where to put this. This is her obituary.
Emotions are running high I'm definitely struggling a little bit with this one. I swear to fucking god if any one fucks with me I will knock them in the fucking teeth. I guess this is just another bump in the road. Just keep drawing and everything will be okay. I am kind of freaking out about how I'm getting home. All the uncertain parts of my life just seem to give me anxiety.

The only thing going good right now is the girl I'm seeing she's really sweet to me and huge sass mouth. She's also really cute. Her name is Anjuli I met her a week ago she's already survived a night out with me and the crew and yes we got into an altercation.

that guy's balding go talk to my friend you're much better looking than he is

painting is by dan higgs.

Tonight was fun and random I need more nights like tonight. I'm kinda at a loss for words.

Do you have a girlfriend? NO!

heather-do you have a girlfriend?
me- no
heather- the blond girl isn't your girlfriend?
me- no
heather - you're not married are you?
me- no
heather- you don't have any kids do you?
me- no but there's a funny story cause i thought i might have one but turns out it's not mine
heather- you sure you don't have a girlfriend you're awfully cute to not have one.
me- yes I'm sure otherwise i wouldn't be laying in bed naked next to you.
heather- I probably should of asked you this before we slept together.
me- too late now and lucky for you I'm not a total scumbag

circa last Feb

not sure why i felt like sharing that conversation just felt like it. it was our first conversation after sleeping together.
saw her tonight it was the first time i didn't feel completely awkward since we've broken up.
I know I still make her uncomfortable cause she can't keep eye contact for more than a few seconds and quickly
darts away after we exchange pleasantries. the truth is I don't think either of us are over our break up. not sure why
we only dated for four months argued constantly we were both miserable but i guess you only remember the good.
and well for those of you who know me, you know i have a hard time letting go. I've been kinda numb since this whole
incident. since her it's just been rif raf for the most part this girl Sarah i hung out with over the summer was pretty rad
but i fucked that up kinda got freaked out that some one liked me so much. I freak out a lot I definitely get it from my
mother.

kinda over the dating thing for a number of reasons.

I could go into detail but I'll spare you my pissing and moaning this time.

gonna just focus on my career as an artist.

goals for the year to come

1. get in 2-3 gallery shows via the graf scumbags that I'm friends with
2. start printing t-shirts on the reg
3. produce way more art aside from my watercolor paintings and tattoo flash
4. more graffiti which is the best cure for loneliness on the planet
5. more collaborations with fellow artists
6. work out more
7. start fighting competitively again or at least train to.
8, find a place to bench freight trains.

very thoughtful tonight I'm reflecting on a lot. I could ask a lot of questions and I already know the answers. these days are strange and so are the people. putting on their bravados and make up talking one way and acting another.

I promise I will stop being so trainwrecky.

Me and Jon talked to some guy from turkey about tattooing

Today
[Hakan Yenidinç]
5:51pm
hi
[You]
5:51pm
hi
[Hakan Yenidinç]
5:52pm
do you speak english?
[You]
5:52pm
yea
whats up
[Hakan Yenidinç]
5:53pm
I ask you something?
[You]
5:53pm
yea man
ask away
[Hakan Yenidinç]
5:54pm
How can I improve myself, I would like to take care of tattoo work closely with?
[You]
5:55pm
well u r goin need some tat magic
[Hakan Yenidinç]
5:57pm
I'm having turkey, but very few possibilities here
[You]
5:57pm
i love turkey
do u tattoo is jail
in
An unexpected error occurred. Please try again.
cuse it looks like it
[Hakan Yenidinç]
5:58pm
What should I do?
[You]
5:59pm
i can give u a guy phone nuber that can help
[Hakan Yenidinç]
6:01pm
türkiyede mi yaşıyor
[You]
6:01pm
what???
no usa#1
this is the number one tattoo magic man you ask him he give super fantisic number supreme answer question 100 percent http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1172407033136&set=a.1169363237043.2025379.1316833297#!/BEAUxBRADY
[Hakan Yenidinç]
6:04pm
I'm going to talk how to speak English is not strong

Me and Jon talked to some guy from turkey about tattooing

Today
[Hakan Yenidinç]
5:51pm
hi
[You]
5:51pm
hi
[Hakan Yenidinç]
5:52pm
do you speak english?
[You]
5:52pm
yea
whats up
[Hakan Yenidinç]
5:53pm
I ask you something?
[You]
5:53pm
yea man
ask away
[Hakan Yenidinç]
5:54pm
How can I improve myself, I would like to take care of tattoo work closely with?
[You]
5:55pm
well u r goin need some tat magic
[Hakan Yenidinç]
5:57pm
I'm having turkey, but very few possibilities here
[You]
5:57pm
i love turkey
do u tattoo is jail
in
An unexpected error occurred. Please try again.
cuse it looks like it
[Hakan Yenidinç]
5:58pm
What should I do?
[You]
5:59pm
i can give u a guy phone nuber that can help
[Hakan Yenidinç]
6:01pm
türkiyede mi yaşıyor
[You]
6:01pm
what???
no usa#1
this is the number one tattoo magic man you ask him he give super fantisic number supreme answer question 100 percent http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1172407033136&set=a.1169363237043.2025379.1316833297#!/BEAUxBRADY
[Hakan Yenidinç]
6:04pm
I'm going to talk how to speak English is not strong

I'm trying to update this regularly now

I need to do more graffiti.

tug boat graveyard and dead horse bay trying to upload the rest of the pics i have to my flickr account. http://www.flickr.com/photos/dne_159/ still not all of em giving you coons the best of the bunch.

For those of you who don't know about the back story about Dead Horse bay. It was originally a dump that they tried to turn into a beach didn't work out cause the contents of the dump kept washing up on shore and still do to this day. Me and John got a pretty vicious bottle collection.

The tug boat grave yard is getting ripped apart check it out before it's gone it's a part of nyc history about to be gone forever !

not surprised

people never fucking change if i have a bad feeling about some one it's been proven that they're a waste of space and well that's the long and short of it. speculate about me all you want I'm still fucking straight edge.

woke up with the Descendents I'm the one in my head. Which just made me remember a certain smell from last night that put me in an odd mood. You know when you smell a distinct smell that reminds you of a person, time or a place in your life. It's just makes you think of just that and well. It made me do just that and made me realize how much I miss Alexa. I shook the bummed feeling as soon as it crept up on me last night. Waking up and having it hit me makes me think I need to think about this a little bit more.

This Song sums up how I feel about every girl I like for the most part and how I generally end up in the friendzone cause when I'm actually into a girl they're not into me.

i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one
who's shoulder you've been cryin on
nice guys finish last
no one knows as good as me
we're just good friends
and you come to me for sympathy
you tell me that i'm not your type
still you call me late at night
everytime he picks a fight
after all he's said and all he's done
i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one
who's shoulder you've been cryin on
he's a total dick
that's the truth and you know i'm right
from everything you say
theres no way he'll ever do you right
you love a man who treats you wrong
you think you'll change him
but you're wrong
he'll use you he'll say so long
after all he's said and all he's done
i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one
who's shoulder you've been cryin on
i'm the one who wants you more than anything
you don't feel the same way you made it clear to me
but i'll stand my ground and maybe
you'll hear what i've been sayin
after all i've said and all i've done
i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one
who's shoulder you've been cryin on
i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one
who's shoulder you've been cryin on
i'm the one

Been dealing with a lot of bullshit lately. My mood has gotten a little bit better just not sure about people. The older I get the more, the less I see things as black and white. Things turn gray and well it's hard to see what's really wrong and right. Life isn't that simple. The picture above is me being a mad man.

I don't know why I even fucking bother. Right now I'm so fucking depressed and I don't know why I'm starting to realize there is something wrong with me. I have anxiety I'm manic depressive I can't fucking sleep. I feel fucking unloved even though I know my friends and family care about me. What the fuck do I do?

living in a constant grey area.

I lately feel I'm always in a grey area of uncertainty. My idea of right and wrong is skewed and no longer cut and dry. I think a lot about circumstance. I feel a lot of things are justifiable in certain circumstances. Mind you I've been doing fucked up things a lot lately and I know they're fucked up because even in my loosely defined moral structure they still fall under wrong. Lately I just don't give a flying fuck about anything for any number of reasons. I feel like I'm fucking sinking. Went upstate for my mom's birthday she was really excited to have me walk in the door. It felt good to spend some time with the family.

I talked to an old man today he told me he wanted to die so he could join his wife he started crying and I could see the pain in his eyes. It's all I can think of and it really fucked me up. I wish I could tell him it was gonna be ok but clearly his wife was all he had. he asked for some change I gave him a dollar. he started crying and offered to give me a random of assortment of things. I told him to try and have a good day and take it easy. I wish I had a gun so I could've offered it to the old man.

Almost a year has passed.

Dear Danny,
I miss you so much dude, it's so fucking hard knowing you're not just walking distance from me. I fucking regret being so fucking close to you and not hanging out with you more. I've been trying to keep a watchful eye on Megs as much as I can. It's hard we both work different schedules. She knows at the drop of a hat I'll be there for her but it's just hard to be around her because it just makes us both miss you. Dude I'm at such a loss I have a diamond tattooed on my wrist with your name on it. A lot of people as about it I always smile and think about you. If we could trade places you know I'd do it in a heart beat and I know you won't let me any way. I'm at a loss cause it's been almost a fucking year and it still fucking hurts so fucking much and I still cry cause i lost you and there's not a fucking thing I can do about it. I have your picture above my desk in my apt.

Love, Mike

I'm gonna just say what's really happening for once.

So last night I hung out with a girl I met off of okcupid. I slept with her and pretty much knew that was gonna happen. I don't know the sex wasn't good I didn't enjoy it and I'm covered in marks. I'm really disappointed in myself for behaving in this manner. I actually want a girlfriend and this is not the way to go about it. If I'm being a whore and not respecting myself how can any one respect me. Also I didn't sleep there bailed and told the girl we'd maybe hang out to kinda soften the blow of me bailing. I was lying and I feel bad. I DON'T LIKE HURTING PEOPLE'S FEELINGS, so well I shouldn't engage in this sort of behavior. Lesson learned.

I also have had a few run ins with girls that I've hooked up with or dated (that I actually liked a lot),who are out and about drunk. The situation goes generally like this causal conversation them looking at me with that look me not wanting to do anything while they're drunk long hug good bye me talking them the next day them ignoring me. total mind fuck should I just ignore the situation or pursue it or should I just look at it as them trying to get fucked and call it a day? I also hate being told what an awesome dude i am while some one's drunk. I'm kind of an asshole especially lately maybe I'm loosing the person I was maybe I've just been jerked around fucked over one to many times and I'm starting to repeat patterns of things that happen to me. I'm just not happy with what's happening especially lately. I think I've gone of the deep end cause Alexa has pretty much stopped talking to me again. Not to say that justifies my behavior just acknowledge the trigger for it. I really wonder if she has any sort of clue how much I like her and how much it drives me nuts the mixed signals she gives me. like to weeks ago I walked her home and held her hand the entire way. YOU DON'T FUCKING DO THAT WITH SOME ONE YOU'RE JUST FRIENDS WITH. Things like that just fuck up my head. I think I need to go back to not dating or talking to girls and just try and shake off the bad juju.

I feel really agnsty lately the fall tends to do that my birthday is coming up when you get older they just don't mean anything


I miss Danny a lot lately I can't believe it's been almost a year.

this is the life I sought out and look at me now.

I have the feeling I am wasting my fucking life. I feel like almost every one in my life sucks and is not to be trusted. I feel really fucking negative and I wanna change this. Every thing happens for a reason, I wanna fast forward and see how this all plays out. I miss being around my dad.

btw I'm still looking for a girl like this

Here's a list of qualities
1. Vegan
2. At least as cute as I am
3. Strong willed but can still admit when they're wrong
4. Similar taste in music as me
5. About as covered in tattoos as me
6. Can control me when I get outta hand yet still can get wild with me
7. Some one who can hang with the dudes and not get offended
8. Petite
9. Pushes me in all aspects of my life to do better and is motivated by me
10.Shy and slightly awkward
11.Has a fucked sense of humor like mine
12.spirtual but hates organized religion
13.Honest
14.Trustworthy

I wish people were more blunt

I'm sick of this pussy footin' around. TELL ME HOW YOU REALLY FEEL. There's one lady that consistently sends me mixed messages. Maybe they're not mixed maybe I need to make a move or just move on. That's life what can you do.

trying not to worry about so much about other people's nonsense just focusing on me for a min. Right now I am lonely I'd like to fast forward to where I'm use to being on my own and doing my own thing so this doesn't phase me as much. I could pursue things with a few different girls but it's the same story AS ALWAYS. I'm into the girl and she's not into me or at least I think that or she's super into me and I'm not into her and I start to get annoyed. I just have to remember logic you know it's not gonna work so don't waste each other's time... but that leads me to worry am I just scared of getting hurt. I'm falling asleep so I'll call it a day.

people are shitty and evil.

hurm

I feel reclusive as of late.


Here I sit, alone and in despair
The world outside is cold, alone and unfair
No motivation, no college degree
Day to day survival starting to worry me

No goals, no money, no inspiration
My crew, tattoos, that`s my only salvation
5 years from now where will I be?
On the same road with no future to no destiny

No ideas and fear is on my mind
Tell me, is my life just a waste of f**king time
Someday maybe I`ll find a way
To make all my fears go away
5 years from now where will I be
On the same road with no future to no destiny

h2o summed it up better than i could.

people are really shitty I'll play the game but I really don't like it. I just know where to put you all.

art stuff

so yeah here's a collaboration piece me and the wonderful Mr John Michael worked on tonight and a painting I'm giving to the wonderful Ms. Mia for being such a good host.

holy shit I haven't updated in fucking forever.

A lot to update I will give you a shit ton of pictures which i'm gonna upload to flicker and a whole lot of explanations in the next day or so i went to hawaii it was awesome.

Ok so a lot has happened since I last posted. I booked a trip to Hawaii on a whim went there it was awesome. Right before I left my friends bought a tattoo shop and were renovating it when I left and opened it while I was away I currently work there and at boneshakers. I'll have to elaborate on each topic. Right before I left for Hawaii I swore off women for forty days just meaning no sex. I currently have 8 days to go.

I wanna just avoid drama like the plague and if you've done something shitty to me I probably don't wanna talk to you or see you in public settings. I ran into my most recent ex twice in the past 24 hours. I honestly just wanna be left alone. Unfortunately that probably won't happen. I'm just glad the last time she drunk dialed me she deleted my number and every one knows better than to give it to her. the last of my belongings that she has are in transit back to me via a mutual friend. Just stoked to have the mess be almost over.

on to happier topic going to Hawaii in 5 days stoked.

Insomnia, Hawaii, and too much damn work.

So lately I can't sleep. Not sure what it is but it needs to change I feel like a fucking zombie. Maybe a change in diet and more exercise. hurm not sure.

I'm going to fucking Hawaii can not fucking believe it.

I currently have 4 jobs they are as follows

1. Boneshakers- which is a cafe in green point I make sandwichs it's 90% vegan.
2. Teamscreen- it's a screen printing shop in east nyI print shirts and all sorts of nonsense it's fun.
3. Rockin' Raw- a raw vegan restaurant in williamsburg which I fill in from time to time.
4. Lucky Wolf- a tattoo shop in bushwick that's gonna be open in a few weeks I will be the shop hand.

I have 6 bosses. Hawaii can not come soon enough.

work work work vacation soon

So I have booked my tickets to hawaii. I am stoked more than you will ever know. I'm not sure what to expect but it's hawaii. I will blog about it and tell all of you about it the few loyal followers lurkers and such.

On to another topic my friends are opening up a tattoo shop in bushwick brooklyn. Spent most of my night off working for free helping them get this shit in order. I don't know how many stupid questions I've had to answer in the 4 hours of being there. I wanna get blank .... how much it gunna cost? My response we're not open yet come back in a week. should be interesting to say the very least.

After Hawaii I'm quitting all my jobs but one which one will it be who knows I'll decide that when the time comes. I'm sick of this working 13 hour days for peanuts. fuck I have 7 years experience cooking show me how to do something twice i'll cook on point every time. maybe I'll just start looking for a job that pays me what I deserve. that would be nice to not have to work 6 days a week.

And one last thing I'm fucking lonely.... being single sucks

I'm probably not like you.

I come from a working class family I work really fucking hard for everything I have. stuff rarely just gets handed to me. I like it this way I actually appreciate all the things I've worked for. although my irrational fear of success is starting to become more and more bothersome. I don't really understand it. I just acknowledge it. Me and my friend Corinne had a long talk about how much our parents influence our lives. I think I get my fear of success from my dad and my stupid need for a relationship from my mom because of her constantly bugging me about grand kids. I don't know I honestly don't see my self settling down any time soon. Shit my last relationship was a fucking disaster that girl and I needless to say didn't mix i'll leave it at that. If the right girl comes along cool if not I'm not gonna stress it. not gonna call or text any one for a few days just to see who's who and what's what. I like my little experiments. Most people don't seem to find as much humor in them as I do. what can you do at the end of the day. Got two compliments today that made my day. gotta take the small victories.

it doesn't matter.

So my most recent relationship has come to an end. I have mixed feelings about, I'm sure things won't ever work between me and this girl. last night she showed me some truth, I honestly won't ever forget it. When some one does something so heartless they show their true colors that they only give a fuck about themselves it makes it real easy to walk away. I'll spare you the long complicated story of what happened cause it honestly doesn't matter. I know I'm better off.

3 years I've been waiting for my best friend to move to nyc wednesday it actually happens. I'm really fucking excited.

every thing's fucked send guns and lawyers....

forgot about this thing

So I've gone from being extremely happy with my life to being completely disappointed with it.

What the hell is wrong with me

I see where things are headed yet i don't stop myself. I feel like I can't I know shit is gonna end badly and I'm gonna feel like shit. Yet why the fuck do I continue.

You'll be accepting my apology...

It's spring time a time for change and renewing. Three of my friends are moving far away. Izzy moved back to Germany, Nicole is moving to London, and Magda is moving some where in Cali. Right now it's looking like as soon as my basement roommates are caught up on their back debt they're moving out. There's a lot of prospect for change. In the past month or two I've gotten two apologies from girls I've hung out/dated about how they're sorry if they were shitty to me. One actually told me she wanted me to start seeing me again. I'm vexed at this as to why now. I know I'm really good to the girls I date but still why? You fucked up and now you're gonna try and backtrack don't think so. Bring this up stirs up all sorts of nonsensical emotions that I just disregard. It frustrates me cool you're sorry that's very big of you to say. I accept your apology now keep it moving. One of the two i"d actually like to maintain a friendship with cause she's fucking rad and the other not so much.

Got to see Ian yesterday pretty pumped on that and my trip to Boston had fun bought a lot of art supplies good day just what I needed. My trip upstate last weekend Jesus Christ drama drama drama. Although hanging with Dougie and Tom Dom was pretty rad and so was the benefit show but again it was hard cause I fucking miss Danny a lot. I still have a hard time dealing with it.

"you say it's hard for you change I say it's hard to stay the same." -turning point

Don't take shit from any one.

Can't trust any one.

I'm over every thing.

Just act on your instinct

Been just following my instinct and intuition a lot lately it's worked out well.

I need too start looking for a 2nd or a new job my pockets are looking lean right now.

Umm bus ride to cuse the last one for a month and then after than that I'm gonna take a super long break. I go up there way to much for nonsense.

Rode my bike home cried my eyes out screamed my voice horse some times you just gotta let it all out....

instead of bitching pissing moaning about how everything sucks and sounding like an ungrateful prick

I'm so sick of getting shit from kid's with easy lives...

By no stretch of the imagination do I consider my life hard, I'd consider it rough. From time to time I get stretches of bad luck so I do what I need to keep my head above water. I have a hard time when people give me shit for being negative. When in my eyes I'm trying to make the best out of a bad situation. It honestly frustrates me to no end. I hate people and their since of entitlement.

I've had a lump in my throat for the past few days that I just can't shake. I know I've recently made some poor decisions and I'm trying to cope and get through it.

I just want the dust to settle and things to get back to normal.

Bummer city population this guy <-----

Job

So I lost my job I got laid off for two reason 1. the chocolate shop isn't doing well at all. Probably won't make it past the first year unless some major changes are made. 2. I lost my vented to some of my co-workers about some of my frustrations of my job taking the form of a porter when I'm suppose to be assisting the head pastry chef. The person in question took all that I said and told everything to the owner. I will miss that place even thought it was extremely dysfunctional. So I am jobless. I have an interview at this coffee house not sure how it'll pan out.

Living situation

So the next thing that's bumming me out. One of my roommate's wants to move out. One is way behind on rent. I'm at risk of being fucked over losing my security deposit and becoming homeless. Stoked cause I pay my rent on time and haven't once been late with my rent.

Not even getting into my love life it's non-existent at this juncture in time.

So in summary I'm bitchless, jobless, and soon to be homeless....

life sucks!

I'm sure every thing will work out it always does.

I'm not sure if I'm going insane cause I recognize the instability in my emotions. I definitely feel like I'm loosing my mind.

been having fucked up dreams

I Can't seem to remember most of it but last night's dream involved me following a weird path in the woods with all these weird concrete high ways that lead me to a grocery store. Then I ran into Ben Guy as I was racking groceries.

The night before I was en route to Nj transit ran into some random graf kid talked about painting trains as there was a car with graf all over it. I got on the NJ transit yet it took me to Florida where I was looking a house to rent with my brother Dave. Then some how I was on a bus getting attacked by these five horse demons and I had a giant rat with tiger stripes. The rat tried to protect me and was killed.

This is strange cause I generally don't dream and or don't remember my dreams.

The past couple of days have been a blast been running amok check my twitter if you want some of details I'm feeling lazy right now.

So I think I finally got my Mojo and my Moxy back. It's been a while but I'm starting to feel like myself again like even further back pre jaye pre mara pre all the fucked up girls I've dated. Don't get me wrong we've all got issues but it's your choice if you wanna be like oh I'm fucked up and do shitty things and blame you being fucked up. Or you can rise above and make your life what you want.

Rise above and walk away ....

working out art work

the past two days have been mildly successful. started working out again I'm cycling on creatin and cla. I feel insane, gonna try and stick with it. Also I've been eating like it's going outta fucking style hopefully this keeps up and maybe I'll put on some fuggin' weight.

Once again I have gotten rid of all the ladies in my life or been given the boot. It's a two to one ratio I've given two the boot and one gave me the axe. The one that gave me the axe seemed promising but I think I let her know to much too fast. When you tell a girl you're on pretrial release even if it's for some bullshit graffiti charge they tend to get freaked out. hahahah fuggit I really don't care. I am in a weird grey area with two different girls either or I'd like to seriously date. I realized I like quite sweet girls who are shy. Not worried trying to focus on other things right now.

My apt is full of people my roommate's both have their gf's living here and I have a dan living under my stairs. Dan is planning to move out the middle of this month hopefully. so that will be a little better i miss having the apt all to myself some times.

knocked out a little simple jim jam painting and started a big one that's outta my skill level but it's fun so I'll post it when I'm done

debating moving outta nyc we'll see how I feel after doing some recon.

when i feel hopeless i just wish i could feel a little less.....

Life goes on...

So yesterday I called home to talk to my mom let her know I'm alive and so on only to find out my God Mother has terminal cancer. My mom mentioned something about it months earlier that she wasn't doing well and her two sons had moved home to take care of her. When I hear my mom cry now a days since we've kind of repaired our relationship. It haunts me she told me how she had lunch with her and how she really wasn't doing well and how she was really upset (my mom obviously holding back tears) tells me I don't wanna lose my best friend. I do my best to console her talk about Shaun and how it just happens and at least you know it's coming and can say goodbye.(not really a blessing at all in my opinion it kind fucks with me personally). It really didn't hit me til later that night. I kinda lost it due to thinking about Shaun (for those of you who don't know my friend Shaun died of brain cancer a few years back good kid died way too young) and the fact that Danny's memorial show was that same day and I couldn't get off work. I definitely lost it I just kinda crawled inside myself watched part of a movie and fell asleep. Woke up with it on my mind finished the movie. I definitely had it on my mind all day even though there's nothing that can be done. She's going to die I have to accept it even though I wanna fight it barter with the universe do anything to make it not happen.

Danny's birthday is on Tuesday that's gonna be a tough one. I'm gonna try and not be alone so I don't do anything drastic.

Side note
Watched 500 days of summer.
Well done not what I needed to be watching. Strong reminder of how badly things ended with me and Jaye. Especially when the damn girl gets married right after she breaks the main character's heart. too close to home wicked bum out.

To end on a happy note
My boy Ken is gonna be a Dad. I'm so excited for him. His fiance is two months pregnant. It's funny to think the same guy who only three and half years ago live alone with a cat is now gonna be a dad.

wanderlust

I feel like I need more time on the road. I caught a ride up to Syracuse with another breath. I feel like as soon as this nonsense with my case and my lawyer is paid off. I intend to travel a lot. I feel like I'd learn a lot about myself especially traveling by myself. Maybe even straighten out my head a little. I'm to the point where I don't know what I want any more. One thing I do know is I'm too old for highschool drama. I don't deal with it. I think I'm gonna snooze for a bit I have a real long day a head of me tomorrow. Getting tatted going to a show. Bussing back to nyc then possibly another show and then a underwear party at my place. Stoked.

Philly, Straight edge and hummus

Went to philly for a few days stayed in fish town just chilled it was nice didn't accomplish much of any thing just hung out with Nicole, Nicole, Dylan, Kate and Ella the pug. The night I got there Yuri and Jenna were also in town went out with them it was funny to be out with that group of such intense personalities. Whole lotta yelling good times.

Right now I am pumped on Straight Edge walked home from Greenpoint Listening to only straight edge hardcore.

hummus is tasty I want to consume it all.

let's put aside all my drama

I Love tacos and burritos. Beau brady loves midgets.

I'm having a mild break down I miss Danny a lot. It fucking sucks I've lost too many people 3 of my boys in their 20s this world is fucked. Danny tho I cry a lot cause I miss him. It's like a knife in my heart. If I could trade places with him I would've in a heart beat. One of the remaining pieces of my sanity was lost when he passed.

It's such a rare thing when you see a girl look at you and it makes you feel amazing. It's frustrating when the same girl drives you insane. If I could choose who I liked I would not like this one. Just as difficult if not more than I am head ache city. Fuck my new years eve. I am going to bed.... grumble grumble grumble....

Hung out with brad and jackie tonight my friends are far too jaded. it bums me out you can't let one or two bad relationships sour you on every thing. OVER POWER OVER COME