I'm gonna just say what's really happening for once.

So last night I hung out with a girl I met off of okcupid. I slept with her and pretty much knew that was gonna happen. I don't know the sex wasn't good I didn't enjoy it and I'm covered in marks. I'm really disappointed in myself for behaving in this manner. I actually want a girlfriend and this is not the way to go about it. If I'm being a whore and not respecting myself how can any one respect me. Also I didn't sleep there bailed and told the girl we'd maybe hang out to kinda soften the blow of me bailing. I was lying and I feel bad. I DON'T LIKE HURTING PEOPLE'S FEELINGS, so well I shouldn't engage in this sort of behavior. Lesson learned.

I also have had a few run ins with girls that I've hooked up with or dated (that I actually liked a lot),who are out and about drunk. The situation goes generally like this causal conversation them looking at me with that look me not wanting to do anything while they're drunk long hug good bye me talking them the next day them ignoring me. total mind fuck should I just ignore the situation or pursue it or should I just look at it as them trying to get fucked and call it a day? I also hate being told what an awesome dude i am while some one's drunk. I'm kind of an asshole especially lately maybe I'm loosing the person I was maybe I've just been jerked around fucked over one to many times and I'm starting to repeat patterns of things that happen to me. I'm just not happy with what's happening especially lately. I think I've gone of the deep end cause Alexa has pretty much stopped talking to me again. Not to say that justifies my behavior just acknowledge the trigger for it. I really wonder if she has any sort of clue how much I like her and how much it drives me nuts the mixed signals she gives me. like to weeks ago I walked her home and held her hand the entire way. YOU DON'T FUCKING DO THAT WITH SOME ONE YOU'RE JUST FRIENDS WITH. Things like that just fuck up my head. I think I need to go back to not dating or talking to girls and just try and shake off the bad juju.

I feel really agnsty lately the fall tends to do that my birthday is coming up when you get older they just don't mean anything


I miss Danny a lot lately I can't believe it's been almost a year.