I'm trying to update this regularly now

I need to do more graffiti.

tug boat graveyard and dead horse bay trying to upload the rest of the pics i have to my flickr account. http://www.flickr.com/photos/dne_159/ still not all of em giving you coons the best of the bunch.

For those of you who don't know about the back story about Dead Horse bay. It was originally a dump that they tried to turn into a beach didn't work out cause the contents of the dump kept washing up on shore and still do to this day. Me and John got a pretty vicious bottle collection.

The tug boat grave yard is getting ripped apart check it out before it's gone it's a part of nyc history about to be gone forever !

not surprised

people never fucking change if i have a bad feeling about some one it's been proven that they're a waste of space and well that's the long and short of it. speculate about me all you want I'm still fucking straight edge.

woke up with the Descendents I'm the one in my head. Which just made me remember a certain smell from last night that put me in an odd mood. You know when you smell a distinct smell that reminds you of a person, time or a place in your life. It's just makes you think of just that and well. It made me do just that and made me realize how much I miss Alexa. I shook the bummed feeling as soon as it crept up on me last night. Waking up and having it hit me makes me think I need to think about this a little bit more.

This Song sums up how I feel about every girl I like for the most part and how I generally end up in the friendzone cause when I'm actually into a girl they're not into me.

i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one
who's shoulder you've been cryin on
nice guys finish last
no one knows as good as me
we're just good friends
and you come to me for sympathy
you tell me that i'm not your type
still you call me late at night
everytime he picks a fight
after all he's said and all he's done
i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one
who's shoulder you've been cryin on
he's a total dick
that's the truth and you know i'm right
from everything you say
theres no way he'll ever do you right
you love a man who treats you wrong
you think you'll change him
but you're wrong
he'll use you he'll say so long
after all he's said and all he's done
i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one
who's shoulder you've been cryin on
i'm the one who wants you more than anything
you don't feel the same way you made it clear to me
but i'll stand my ground and maybe
you'll hear what i've been sayin
after all i've said and all i've done
i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one
who's shoulder you've been cryin on
i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one
who's shoulder you've been cryin on
i'm the one

Been dealing with a lot of bullshit lately. My mood has gotten a little bit better just not sure about people. The older I get the more, the less I see things as black and white. Things turn gray and well it's hard to see what's really wrong and right. Life isn't that simple. The picture above is me being a mad man.

I don't know why I even fucking bother. Right now I'm so fucking depressed and I don't know why I'm starting to realize there is something wrong with me. I have anxiety I'm manic depressive I can't fucking sleep. I feel fucking unloved even though I know my friends and family care about me. What the fuck do I do?

living in a constant grey area.

I lately feel I'm always in a grey area of uncertainty. My idea of right and wrong is skewed and no longer cut and dry. I think a lot about circumstance. I feel a lot of things are justifiable in certain circumstances. Mind you I've been doing fucked up things a lot lately and I know they're fucked up because even in my loosely defined moral structure they still fall under wrong. Lately I just don't give a flying fuck about anything for any number of reasons. I feel like I'm fucking sinking. Went upstate for my mom's birthday she was really excited to have me walk in the door. It felt good to spend some time with the family.

I talked to an old man today he told me he wanted to die so he could join his wife he started crying and I could see the pain in his eyes. It's all I can think of and it really fucked me up. I wish I could tell him it was gonna be ok but clearly his wife was all he had. he asked for some change I gave him a dollar. he started crying and offered to give me a random of assortment of things. I told him to try and have a good day and take it easy. I wish I had a gun so I could've offered it to the old man.

Almost a year has passed.

Dear Danny,
I miss you so much dude, it's so fucking hard knowing you're not just walking distance from me. I fucking regret being so fucking close to you and not hanging out with you more. I've been trying to keep a watchful eye on Megs as much as I can. It's hard we both work different schedules. She knows at the drop of a hat I'll be there for her but it's just hard to be around her because it just makes us both miss you. Dude I'm at such a loss I have a diamond tattooed on my wrist with your name on it. A lot of people as about it I always smile and think about you. If we could trade places you know I'd do it in a heart beat and I know you won't let me any way. I'm at a loss cause it's been almost a fucking year and it still fucking hurts so fucking much and I still cry cause i lost you and there's not a fucking thing I can do about it. I have your picture above my desk in my apt.

Love, Mike

I'm gonna just say what's really happening for once.

So last night I hung out with a girl I met off of okcupid. I slept with her and pretty much knew that was gonna happen. I don't know the sex wasn't good I didn't enjoy it and I'm covered in marks. I'm really disappointed in myself for behaving in this manner. I actually want a girlfriend and this is not the way to go about it. If I'm being a whore and not respecting myself how can any one respect me. Also I didn't sleep there bailed and told the girl we'd maybe hang out to kinda soften the blow of me bailing. I was lying and I feel bad. I DON'T LIKE HURTING PEOPLE'S FEELINGS, so well I shouldn't engage in this sort of behavior. Lesson learned.

I also have had a few run ins with girls that I've hooked up with or dated (that I actually liked a lot),who are out and about drunk. The situation goes generally like this causal conversation them looking at me with that look me not wanting to do anything while they're drunk long hug good bye me talking them the next day them ignoring me. total mind fuck should I just ignore the situation or pursue it or should I just look at it as them trying to get fucked and call it a day? I also hate being told what an awesome dude i am while some one's drunk. I'm kind of an asshole especially lately maybe I'm loosing the person I was maybe I've just been jerked around fucked over one to many times and I'm starting to repeat patterns of things that happen to me. I'm just not happy with what's happening especially lately. I think I've gone of the deep end cause Alexa has pretty much stopped talking to me again. Not to say that justifies my behavior just acknowledge the trigger for it. I really wonder if she has any sort of clue how much I like her and how much it drives me nuts the mixed signals she gives me. like to weeks ago I walked her home and held her hand the entire way. YOU DON'T FUCKING DO THAT WITH SOME ONE YOU'RE JUST FRIENDS WITH. Things like that just fuck up my head. I think I need to go back to not dating or talking to girls and just try and shake off the bad juju.

I feel really agnsty lately the fall tends to do that my birthday is coming up when you get older they just don't mean anything


I miss Danny a lot lately I can't believe it's been almost a year.