when i feel hopeless i just wish i could feel a little less.....

Life goes on...

So yesterday I called home to talk to my mom let her know I'm alive and so on only to find out my God Mother has terminal cancer. My mom mentioned something about it months earlier that she wasn't doing well and her two sons had moved home to take care of her. When I hear my mom cry now a days since we've kind of repaired our relationship. It haunts me she told me how she had lunch with her and how she really wasn't doing well and how she was really upset (my mom obviously holding back tears) tells me I don't wanna lose my best friend. I do my best to console her talk about Shaun and how it just happens and at least you know it's coming and can say goodbye.(not really a blessing at all in my opinion it kind fucks with me personally). It really didn't hit me til later that night. I kinda lost it due to thinking about Shaun (for those of you who don't know my friend Shaun died of brain cancer a few years back good kid died way too young) and the fact that Danny's memorial show was that same day and I couldn't get off work. I definitely lost it I just kinda crawled inside myself watched part of a movie and fell asleep. Woke up with it on my mind finished the movie. I definitely had it on my mind all day even though there's nothing that can be done. She's going to die I have to accept it even though I wanna fight it barter with the universe do anything to make it not happen.

Danny's birthday is on Tuesday that's gonna be a tough one. I'm gonna try and not be alone so I don't do anything drastic.

Side note
Watched 500 days of summer.
Well done not what I needed to be watching. Strong reminder of how badly things ended with me and Jaye. Especially when the damn girl gets married right after she breaks the main character's heart. too close to home wicked bum out.

To end on a happy note
My boy Ken is gonna be a Dad. I'm so excited for him. His fiance is two months pregnant. It's funny to think the same guy who only three and half years ago live alone with a cat is now gonna be a dad.

wanderlust

I feel like I need more time on the road. I caught a ride up to Syracuse with another breath. I feel like as soon as this nonsense with my case and my lawyer is paid off. I intend to travel a lot. I feel like I'd learn a lot about myself especially traveling by myself. Maybe even straighten out my head a little. I'm to the point where I don't know what I want any more. One thing I do know is I'm too old for highschool drama. I don't deal with it. I think I'm gonna snooze for a bit I have a real long day a head of me tomorrow. Getting tatted going to a show. Bussing back to nyc then possibly another show and then a underwear party at my place. Stoked.

Philly, Straight edge and hummus

Went to philly for a few days stayed in fish town just chilled it was nice didn't accomplish much of any thing just hung out with Nicole, Nicole, Dylan, Kate and Ella the pug. The night I got there Yuri and Jenna were also in town went out with them it was funny to be out with that group of such intense personalities. Whole lotta yelling good times.

Right now I am pumped on Straight Edge walked home from Greenpoint Listening to only straight edge hardcore.

hummus is tasty I want to consume it all.

let's put aside all my drama

I Love tacos and burritos. Beau brady loves midgets.

I'm having a mild break down I miss Danny a lot. It fucking sucks I've lost too many people 3 of my boys in their 20s this world is fucked. Danny tho I cry a lot cause I miss him. It's like a knife in my heart. If I could trade places with him I would've in a heart beat. One of the remaining pieces of my sanity was lost when he passed.

It's such a rare thing when you see a girl look at you and it makes you feel amazing. It's frustrating when the same girl drives you insane. If I could choose who I liked I would not like this one. Just as difficult if not more than I am head ache city. Fuck my new years eve. I am going to bed.... grumble grumble grumble....

Hung out with brad and jackie tonight my friends are far too jaded. it bums me out you can't let one or two bad relationships sour you on every thing. OVER POWER OVER COME