Right now I'm in a shit mood. Today was long and fruitless had to go upstate and deal with some fucking nonsense.... Glad that's over for now. Everything is fucking irritating the shit out of me. Dealing with my parents is hard they don't get me. I know they mean well and care about me but telling me you understand me and then yelling your position at me over and over again is not gonna make me care. The fact is I honestly don't give a fuck about who's gonna judge me for the way I've chosen to live my life. In that sense I'm free. I live my life for me with no apologies for any one. I'm just done explaining, screaming, trying to get some one to understand. There are two kinds of people out there. One's who get it and one's who don't. I hear wow you have your hands tattooed that must be a job stopper. Yes it is, it stops me from working at any place with narrow minded people such as yourselves. This is probably just some self righteous bullshit and my head is probably up my ass. I know everything is fucked and nothing i do in the grand scheme of things really matters. So I've decided to just do things for myself, the people I care about and the things that seem worth while to me. In a 100 years no one will even know I that i existed or lived so fuck it. Friends, family, Graf, Animals, Tats, Hardcore, are the only things that matter.
I'm fucking lonely and boy does it suck after being single and not having really any one for the past four months. It's starting to get to me. Especially since I've put in so much fucking work over the past couple of years. I feel like I should have some one to come home to night after night that is not one of my roommates. Don't get me wrong I love those dudes but I don't wanna come home and have my balls broken time and time again. I want some one to close to. To kiss and hold and be like how was your day sweet heart. I know it'll happen when it's gonna happen but what the fuck. I think my problem is I've consistently been in long term relationships for the past 4 years. First was Diana that lasted a year and ended terrible, Second was Mara lasted almost a year ended even worse, and the latest heart ache was Jaye it lasted on and off for two years and it didn't end terrible but not on a high note either. (for those of you who do read my blog she still has the ring of my grand mother's and still hasn't sent it like she claimed she would big surprise) I'm not an easy person to deal with by any means I'm kinda fucked up. I've had some what of a rough life and I try really fucking hard not to let that affect me too much but it's hard to have a healthy relationship when you've never seen one in your entire life. I've been trying to take this time alone to get my head right and work out some of the issues I have with myself from previous relationships. So the next relationship I get into doesn't become a cluster fuck from my issues. Also I need to stick with my rules no matter how hard it is. Like if the person I'm dating says "I feel like you're too good for me" CUT AND FUCKING RUN because that loosely translates to "I can't accept the love you're giving me because I will only accept the love I think I deserve" So if you continue they will sabotage the relationship until you leave and make you crazy and make you feel like shit. It's always the hard way with me.
I've had a real rough couple of months and a lot of people who I never would've expected to come through and be there for me were there and are there. Such as the forfeit dudes, Tim and Scarlett as well as the other people who are staples in my life and are too numerous to name. I thank you on the regular you all know you mean the world to me. People who promised me they'd always be there for me and weren't there no need to name names for that. When you see me and I'm extremely hostile towards you please don't wonder why.
I'm normally a pretty self destructive person when things fall apart I think I may be finally starting to turn that around.
these rants honestly make me feel a lot better...
thanks for listening.
the picture above is from Have heart's last syracuse show
Hardcore makes me feel OK when I have nothing else I can put on a record plug in and tune out the outside world and know there's some one out there just as fucked up as I am screaming their heart out just so some one else can listen and feel OK.
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