Trying so hard not to go off the deep end

Since I got in trouble staying outta trouble has become quite the task.

I don't know why I can't forget the two numbers not in my phone and are the two people i need to leave behind and move on with my life. One is a total attention whore some where in there is a good person cause she's held me down and been there for me when I was in a shit situation. The other is the only person who I truly love unconditionally she can honestly do nothing to make me stop loving her. I wanna hate them both so bad but I can't. I can't move on and it's crippling me.

I fucked up royally that's why I'm where I am. I made a huge mistake and some dumb decisions which has led me here. Where do I go now? The Girl I love won't talk to me and I can't seem to move on. Every girl I'm mildly interested in dismisses me for stupid reasons. Like cause I don't drink. I know I'm better off still it's a hard knock at the old self esteem. I'm an abrasive person and I know this. I think I'm destine to be alone and never feel at home.

My heart is an open wound.

I'm gonna salt my wounds and push ahead cause I can do. OVER POWER OVER COME NO OTHER CHOICE!

Final nail in the coffin

I finally got the ring back stoked. That's that the bullshit saga is over. What happens next no expectations. limitless possibilities trying to stay positive pushing forward moving a head until the day I die.

read my tarot cards crash

found out my secret crush is moving back nyc swoon swoon swoon swoon!

Fall 09

watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind with Jo Beth my 5th roommate the girl on the couch. She's so polite and nice. I wonder what the fuck she's doing in this dank hole of a city. Had a few internal minor break downs during the movie. Kinda feel awful definitely miss the ex a lot right now probably shouldn't nothing i can do. gonna sleep alone going crazy. brad's trying to get me go to matchless and talking all sorts of crazy talk. i'm staying in because it'll be like every other time i go where i sit there bored outta my fucking mind hoping for that one girl that is cute and looks bored outta her fucking mind. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

close your eyes and hide your heart it's gonna be a long cold night tonight and i'll be lucky if i make it out alive with just few scars to remind me of the good bad and the ugly.

Yeah so fuck you ...

Right now I'm in a shit mood. Today was long and fruitless had to go upstate and deal with some fucking nonsense.... Glad that's over for now. Everything is fucking irritating the shit out of me. Dealing with my parents is hard they don't get me. I know they mean well and care about me but telling me you understand me and then yelling your position at me over and over again is not gonna make me care. The fact is I honestly don't give a fuck about who's gonna judge me for the way I've chosen to live my life. In that sense I'm free. I live my life for me with no apologies for any one. I'm just done explaining, screaming, trying to get some one to understand. There are two kinds of people out there. One's who get it and one's who don't. I hear wow you have your hands tattooed that must be a job stopper. Yes it is, it stops me from working at any place with narrow minded people such as yourselves. This is probably just some self righteous bullshit and my head is probably up my ass. I know everything is fucked and nothing i do in the grand scheme of things really matters. So I've decided to just do things for myself, the people I care about and the things that seem worth while to me. In a 100 years no one will even know I that i existed or lived so fuck it. Friends, family, Graf, Animals, Tats, Hardcore, are the only things that matter.

I'm fucking lonely and boy does it suck after being single and not having really any one for the past four months. It's starting to get to me. Especially since I've put in so much fucking work over the past couple of years. I feel like I should have some one to come home to night after night that is not one of my roommates. Don't get me wrong I love those dudes but I don't wanna come home and have my balls broken time and time again. I want some one to close to. To kiss and hold and be like how was your day sweet heart. I know it'll happen when it's gonna happen but what the fuck. I think my problem is I've consistently been in long term relationships for the past 4 years. First was Diana that lasted a year and ended terrible, Second was Mara lasted almost a year ended even worse, and the latest heart ache was Jaye it lasted on and off for two years and it didn't end terrible but not on a high note either. (for those of you who do read my blog she still has the ring of my grand mother's and still hasn't sent it like she claimed she would big surprise) I'm not an easy person to deal with by any means I'm kinda fucked up. I've had some what of a rough life and I try really fucking hard not to let that affect me too much but it's hard to have a healthy relationship when you've never seen one in your entire life. I've been trying to take this time alone to get my head right and work out some of the issues I have with myself from previous relationships. So the next relationship I get into doesn't become a cluster fuck from my issues. Also I need to stick with my rules no matter how hard it is. Like if the person I'm dating says "I feel like you're too good for me" CUT AND FUCKING RUN because that loosely translates to "I can't accept the love you're giving me because I will only accept the love I think I deserve" So if you continue they will sabotage the relationship until you leave and make you crazy and make you feel like shit. It's always the hard way with me.

I've had a real rough couple of months and a lot of people who I never would've expected to come through and be there for me were there and are there. Such as the forfeit dudes, Tim and Scarlett as well as the other people who are staples in my life and are too numerous to name. I thank you on the regular you all know you mean the world to me. People who promised me they'd always be there for me and weren't there no need to name names for that. When you see me and I'm extremely hostile towards you please don't wonder why.

I'm normally a pretty self destructive person when things fall apart I think I may be finally starting to turn that around.

these rants honestly make me feel a lot better...

thanks for listening.

the picture above is from Have heart's last syracuse show

Hardcore makes me feel OK when I have nothing else I can put on a record plug in and tune out the outside world and know there's some one out there just as fucked up as I am screaming their heart out just so some one else can listen and feel OK.

Alot has happened

So let's start from where i left off. 1. my dad got his operation he's fine and recovered. 2. almost missed my cousin's wedding cause i got arrested and i was in the clink for 24 hours 3. saw polar bear club's record release show it was a good time.

Saw have heart on wednesday i was extremely content at this show. Forfeit those dudes have my back it means a lot to me.

A lot of my friends are over stepping boundaries. This pisses me off to no end. Don't tell me one thing and then do another. Please cut me up when people are around to make you self feel better. This is weak and shows me your true colors.

I hate people

Every one is pissing me off i kinda want nothing to do with any one tonight.

Stupid people tend to be really loud and not talk about any thing worth a damn and their attempts to sound intelligent are sad and make me angry.

fuck them

Talked to Larina tonight she's on point whenever i need some one to talk to she's got me. Gives me solid advice. It means a lot to me.

I have another person living on my couch


fuck your tough guy attitudes you're not fooling any one

9/9/09

So last night i ended up going out with Anthony my room mate to some bar called the lucky dog. Met two of his friends they seemed nice enough. The smile on this one of the two made me stupid. Which is a rare thing. Still no go she got a man not trying to fuck with that. Then we went to matchless, LAME LAME LAME I love seeing Jess, Tracy, Charlie and Brad they're all fun to hang with. I hate that bar lack of attractive women and it's the same every damn week. Any how Anthony got to talk to Mina. So all and all it wasn't a bad trip to that fucking stupid bar. I love riding my bike from place to place in Brooklyn. It makes me happy.

Today work sucked buzzkill, supplies didn't come in. Lack of work tomorrow supplies still won't be there. I have drag jobs out to no end. Had lunch with Dallas and Eve that made work alright also ran into Artie phillie talked to him about some bullshit. After work went to this weird graffiti thing at the new era flag ship store. I got to meet, Revok, Push, Sever and Ewok. I was beyond Stoked ...
Went to Williamsburg got food, met up with Reggie and the Stoop Crew as well as Gold. I know who really cares, It shows. En route home to drop off the Forfeit gear i have to bring upstate for Reggie. I had a break down, I started crying uncontrollablely, I'm really fucking scared my dad might die tomorrow under the knife. He's getting minor brain surgery.

He means a lot to me. I'm not sure he knows. I've never heard the man say I love you. He had a really rough childhood. His dad my grandfather use to beat the shit out of him, my grand mother and my aunts until my dad was old enough to say you'll never do this again. My grandfather was drunk and a prick. I never met the man hate to say it but i'm glad. Any one that could hit a women as caring and compassionate as my Grandmother deserves to burn in hell. I love my dad and I'm so fucking scared of losing him. At one point I didn't care for him. He was an alcoholic and wasn't around for the first part of my life. He managed to clean up his life and become a man who I admire and respect. Some one who I trust and can always go to for advice. Words are not enoughto describe how much I love my dad.

The dudes get home talk to me for a minute. I go over to Reggie's and hang with Bri, Amanda, Adam 22, Nick and some kid who I don't know. We watch walk the line and we all fuck with Bri, It takes my mind off things. I'm really grateful to have these friends. With out them I'd probably be a lot worse off. They seem to make the hard times not so hard. I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight seeing as eating is rather hard right now.

If you believe in a God pray for my dad.

I'm not sure if I do....

Almost died yesterday...

Ok I'll start with the good stuff from the get go. So I'm riding my bike home on grand street. This amazing gentleman tries to make a turn when I have the right of way. I slam on my breaks and go over the handle bars fuck up my wrist, the right side of my body, and get a little bit of road rash on my elbow. Does fuck face stop or make any effort to see if I'm ok, of course not.

On to the rest of my day and how it started....

Wake up draw look for something to do, for the day nothing seems promising. I draw for a little bit text a few people. I go meet up with Gold after patrolling my spots. I go sit in Mccarren Park with Gold, Dempsey and a few other people I don't know. I people watch with them for a bit. Then Gold and I go to get him some groceries. Fail due to stupid credit card error. En route we run into Scarlett and her friend say what up to them and we're off. We go meet up with Matt 26 and chill at macri park i eat some veggie dogs, and bullshit with some people there some annoying girl tries to talk to her. I easily ward her off by being my abbrassive self. Magda stops by for a drink catches up with me for a min and she's on her way. I decide I'm gonna head home take off and that's when I almost died from the asshole who doesn't know what right of way is....

I get home I chill, I try and make plans end up staying in drawing finishing the painting i was working on cause I couldn't go out and catch spots like planned due to my messed up wrist. Other than the near death experience yesterday was good.

Today work sucked, trying to do stuff where you have to move boxes with a sprained wrist is hard and painful. Neil help me a lot that took some of the stress off. I'm behind on bills can't really afford to go upstate kinda bummed gonna have to borrow some money. Still in a better mindset than I have been in a long time.

Things are starting to make sense for me at least....

last night to labor day

Had the bbq last night, tons of my friends showed up, hung out, it was a good time. It was kinda what you would expect outta my friends. Most of them who said they'd show up, showed up and ate food stuck to themselves. Eventually if they hung out long enough started to talking to the groups of people. Took a walk with Dylon listened to him about his frustrations about his break up with Scarlett. Scarlett talked to me breifly about her side of things. It's fucked that's all I can really say. Break ups are stupid, they cause a lot of emotional scars that last for a long time. I feel a need for contact with people and at the same time I'd rather be alone....

Had a dream last night I was in some weird tattoo shop looking at illustrations Chuck, Brad and Mina were there. I remember what else happened been having weird dreams. No nightmares lately.

Today I think I'm gonna draw and paint all day....

I feel detached ...

I feel some where in between Dr. Manhatten and Rorschach.

chrome, hardcore party, bbq

Yesterday didn't do much until the party at my friend Reggie's. I went to pick up some food in the city for the BBQ today at my place among other things. I rode my bike almost every where it was awesome. Worked on my painting pretty stoked about it right now I've got about an hour's worth of work left.

press pause lemme tell you about the weird dream i had.

so me freedom and his wife lei are traveling in a conversion van and i rob a taco bell. it's fucked right.


back to me talking about last night.

So i get ready for the party. Make a stop off at Marci park to see Gold and Matt 23. Gold lost a lot of weight in prison. Saw Leeto and Justin too those two are just some characters. You can tell when they're bored cause they get into mischievous mode. It was good seeing those dudes Matt made me some vegan hot dogs and then i was on my way. Party at Reggie's total brodown. Almost all our friends where there. It was a good time. Nothing too crazy happened. Not a party guy most of the time. Was hopping to meet a girl. Instead left the party to go write my name on stuff. That was wicked fun.

Friday night.

I didn't do much of anything last night. Erik and Raphie came and hung out with joe and myself at my place. Marina convinced me to take in this small cat earlier in the evening. So I gave the little creature a bath and fed it. While Raphlie and I waited for Erik to get over to my place. The cat wanted nothing to do with me or my apt. Bandit my one room mate's dog did not like the cat. So as soon as the cat realized what door lead to the outside. It sat there meowing until i let it out. So much for that beast.

Raphlie, Erik, and I road over to foodswings meet up with those dudes, Anthony my other room mate and two girls from seattle went down to rockstar bar. It was dead there as it always is. There were some really young punk kids at the bar, our crew and these two girls with some random hispanic looking guy. Nothing happens really Sherry the bar tender starts to close up. The punks leave and then the girls leave as they're leaving the pretty one outta the two comes back and asks for matches which no one has i say hey here's a lighter i throw it at her and end up hitting her in the head. I feel terrible every one breaks my balls as usal. Anthony decides to get in my face and not leave until i give him a high five. This is really pushing my buttons then as i'm walking away from him. He tries to trip me, I cock back and almost swing on him. He cowers back laughing not realizing how close i came to actually really hurting him. Not stoked on that, I don't like my temper and I really don't like it when people think it's ok to push my buttons.

After that all of us go over to subway bar to meet up with Mandy Jo. It's dead in there except for us again. I go outside to talk to Freedom while he smokes. I tell him about the ring situation. He give me his input and puts into perspective. Telling me how women rarely ever lose things. Jaye's probably playing games. Also tells me he's gonna be down there in two weeks and he'll pick it up If need be. Freedom is probably one of my best friends and he's a solid dude. Also one of the best employers I've ever had. While we have this conversation we walked over to hannah market and get sandwichs Raphlie joins us. Get back eat our sandwich. I decide I've had enough and I'm tired I ride my bike home. Long ride home needed it. Gave me time to think about everything.

INTRO/ RING

So it begins i got myself one of these fancy blogs. They seem to be all the rage these days. I generally only Blog when my life isn't going to well.

Let's start with a introduction:

First off My name is Mike, I'm vegan, I'm straight edge, I'm currently 24 years old, I live in Brooklyn, NY, I have more nick names than you can shake a stick at such as: Mike Attack, White Mike, Mike End, Whiteso, and it goes on those are the most common ones.

You can make a whole lot of assumptions based on what I've just told you. It's all true I'm your atypical hardcore kid. The only key difference is that i don't like to push my beliefs on other people. I honestly don't care if you drink, smoke, shoot up, or how ever else you can take a drug. I do care if you eat meat and dairy but I won't be a dick about it unless you ask me what I think. In that case I will tell you if you eat meat you're a self centered asshole. I try and do what's best for me and my friends.

So three months ago me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up. Last night I put the final nail in the coffin. I messaged her via facebook asking for my Grandmother's ring back. Her reply was I'll look for it. (Here's where i go into one of my tangents) JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THAT FUCKING GIRL!!! NO COMMON SENSE, IT'S PRETTY APPARENT SHE DOES NOT GIVE FUCK ABOUT ME!!!! I KNOW THAT RING DOESN'T MEAN SHIT TO HER! It means a whole lot to me. It's something that belonged the only person in my family to never do anything fucked up to me. Yeah I know what you're thinking, this kid still has feelings for her. This is true i don't deny that. I'm too the point thought i realize how fucked that relationship and I at least don't want her back any more. I hope she finds it, I'm not holding my breathe.

Game plan for this fucked situation STAY SINGLE work out my issues on my own. So the next relationship i get involved with isn't fucked from the get go.

Solitude is nurishment.

LISTEN TO THAT BAND DEAD SWANS