Had a day off today

Spent almost the entire day today doing stuff by myself. I feel distant from every one and I don't wanna feel that way. Woke up around two watched my girlfriend get ready for work, she's doing make up for some project one of her actor friends is doing. She left I got up got dress went to brunch at Boneshakers. Dougie and Megs where there I joined them got food we talked for a bit then I headed home to drop off my bike so I could head into the city. I walked around manhattan by my lonesome for a couple of hours stop by daredevil talked to Brad and Scott for a min. I made mention that I was going to the movies alone Brad made a smart ass remark that he was worried about me because I was going to the movies alone. Kinda wanted to tell him you should be but I kinda sought out the whole loner thing. I kept saying "I wanna be left the fuck alone" in hopes of staying out of other people's drama. After everything happened with my ex just kinda left me a little bitter on everyone and everything just made me see no one really has my back and every one is full of shit. I feel lost more than ever. I'm pretty disconnected with everything. I dropped the title straight edge it just doesn't fit me any more not that I wanna drink or do drugs just for now it's a not fit. I don't feel ok at show's any more. I just show up see the band I wanna and don't really wanna talk to any one. I keep having this fucked up dreams involving one person tried talking to John about it he said "you can't fight fate man" god I hope that's not true. I hoped at this point in my life I'd have it together. Debating bailing and going to the westcoast.

caught up in no sleep.

I've come to realize that I hate about 70% of the people in every subculture I'm involved with. Bike kids, hardcore kids, the tattoo scene, graffiti and hip hop, maybe it's something that goes beyond things I'm into, maybe just a huge portion of the world's population just sucks. Another realization is that I don't know a whole lot about anything and that if you think you know a lot about something you're generally dead wrong. My girlfriend pointed out I'm not a pessimist, that in fact I'm an optimist. I expect things to work out and when they don't I get upset or I expect the best out of people and they turn out to be shitty and I'm crushed. Interesting take on me kinda weird considering I've always been considered a jaded grump for the most part. I just want to do right by my friends and family. Is that so much to ask I really don't need a whole lot in life. I'm starting to feel like kindness is weakness. Being a scumbag just doesn't feel right to me. a couple months back I was slutting it up and fucked around with a girl who had a boyfriend. I felt really shitty after that one probably would've apologized to kid if he wasn't such a twat. after all that it just left me feeling hollow. I don't wanna talk to people so much these days except my roommate John and a few people.